


Wonderland

by gallantrejoinder



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: A-spec character having sex JIC that's not your thing, Cameos from Taylor Swift, Demisexuality, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, I listened to 1989 like literally ten times while writing this fic, M/M, Minor pining, Trapped In A Closet, Well ... a being disguised as her, Which you definitely SHOULDN'T do while trapped in a closet, You CAN fuck to Taylor Swift and I'm about to prove it, do not copy to another site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 02:19:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20107567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallantrejoinder/pseuds/gallantrejoinder
Summary: Being trapped in a closet of unusually small dimensions backstage at a Taylor Swift concert is probably not the ideal setting for Dirk to find himself inin general, let alone with his best friend plastered up against him in a scandalously non-platonic embrace.





	Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> Title obviously taken from the Taylor Swift song of the same name, though it's more pertinent to the specific situation Todd and Dirk find themselves in this fic, rather than in general, lol.
> 
> A quick warning: this fic contains sex that is: 
> 
> 1\. 100% consensual, HOWEVER, not explicitly discussed beforehand - the consent is mostly nonverbal in nature.
> 
> 2\. Unrealistic in the sense that a demisexual character who has never had sex before would likely not just suddenly be okay with having sex in a closet without a good deal of discussion first. I did seriously consider making Dirk *not* demisexual in this fic, but I then found not one but TWO aphobes on Twitter trashing my last fic about demisexual Dirk, sooooo ... Spite won out, lmao. 
> 
> 3\. Not great safe sex practices ie; no condoms. I promise they don't have STDs. Fic isn't for educating you about safe sex lol.
> 
> If these are issues for you feel free to give this one a miss <3 No harm done.
> 
> As for the aphobes, dude, what are you even doing here?

In the moment, there were a number of things for Dirk to process, and a variety of justifications for the current position of not only himself but his best friend and assistant extraordinaire Todd Brotzman, formerly of the relatively little-known punk-rock band The Mexican Funeral. But none of the excuses flittering through Dirk’s head really mattered when it all came down to it. There was nothing for it but to face up to the fact that both he and Todd were locked inside a distressingly narrow closet, pressed up against one another, backstage at a Hayley Grift concert. The situation couldn’t get much worse than this.

Well, it wasn’t all bad. Sailor Thrift was an incredible performer and deeply talented songwriter – the faint sounds of her concert provided, if nothing else, an excellent soundtrack to their predicament. Still, Dirk thought she could have stood to be a little _less_ talented. That was how they’d gotten themselves into this situation.

Apparently, her body was under the control of an upsettingly sing-song-y body-snatcher from Leeds, and the only people who knew that were himself, Todd, Farah, and a crazed teenage conspiracy-theorist who’d brought the case to them a week ago. At least if they ever got out of there, Dirk would be able to confidently confirm to the young lady that she had been quite correct on all accounts, except for the bit about the lesbianism. Kayleigh Swing was, unfortunately, completely heterosexual. Not that any of that made for useful information at the present moment.

Dirk found his focus suddenly snapping back to reality and out of the spiral of semi-panicked meandering it had gotten trapped in by the sensation of one of Todd’s legs shifting against his own.

“Are you all right?” Dirk whispered, worried that an attack might be coming on at the least opportune moment.

In the dim light shining from the crack underneath the door, Dirk saw Todd’s eyes widen as he shook his head quickly. Dirk opened his mouth to ask what the matter was, but Todd somehow extracted his hand from between them and pressed it against Dirk’s mouth. Dirk shut his mouth – resisting the urge to lick Todd’s hand in retaliation. He settled for giving Todd a somewhat terse thumbs up, which was difficult, because they really were pretty much chest-to-chest in the tiny space that the closet afforded them. That wasn’t something that bore thinking about, really, but what else was Dirk supposed to think about at a time like this – how could he possibly drag his thoughts away from the warmth of Todd’s body, the way Todd’s nose would brush his just so, if he wasn’t straining himself to stay away?

It wasn’t the first time they’d ended up in a situation like this, but it was the first since Dirk had reluctantly acknowledged that maybe that pesky crush he’d been harbouring on Todd since the day they met might not be wearing off after all.

And that was all right! That was fine, it was _so_ far from being a Thing To Worry About that Dirk just pushed it away on instinct nowadays, no matter how much he wanted – well. Dirk was well-versed in heartache already. And anyway, the last time Dirk had gotten too confident about what the Universe owed him Todd had been struck down with pararibulitis and Dirk had been kidnapped, so there was no use pressing for more. If Dirk had learned anything since he met Todd, it was that the Universe would give him everything he needed, but never, necessarily, what he wanted. He could live with that.

What he couldn’t live with, however, was remaining trapped in this veritable crack in the wall that the map they’d stolen from the management office had dared refer to as a storage room. Never mind the incredible acoustics. It wasn’t really Wayleigh Thrift out there singing anyway. It was her mind-controlled body, probably intent on converting the masses to god-knows-what and utter-bullshit.

Dirk pointed at the door, and then his ear, trying to communicate to Todd that they should listen out for any passers-by, who could, in theory, (and if they were very lucky), let them out without immediately calling security. Todd mouthed a quick ‘_what’_ at him, but Dirk was already busy, listening intently to the sounds outside the closet. Alas, all he could hear was the distant crowd cheering, Gayla Shift’s dulcet tones lulling them into a false sense of security, and Todd’s quick breathing next to his ear.

Dirk turned his head back to Todd, so that they were facing one another – which turned out to be a mistake, as their noses were now brushing, their shared breaths passing over their lips. Dirk’s heart jumped erratically. Were the walls starting to close in? Not unreasonable. Not even unprecedented, for them. Patrick Spring had certainly had a fondness for –

Todd shifted again, as if he was trying to get away from Dirk. That stung a little bit, but Dirk was nothing if not possessed of a very great ability to bounce back from severe emotional bruising, so he pushed himself further into the wall, trying to give Todd the space he clearly needed. They stood in those painfully rigid positions for several minutes, as outside, Tanya Swilfred continued breezily through her setlist. Dirk avoided staring at Todd for too long – he’d been told on more than one occasion that his staring was an unsettling habit. (He’d never listened, of course, until one day he realised that Todd frequently became nervous when Dirk got too stare-y, and that – that had been motivation to stop. _Of course_ Todd didn’t like being gawked at, let alone by Dirk.) It wasn’t difficult to look elsewhere in the dark; everything was shades of greenish-grey, filtered through the fluorescent lighting that shone from beneath the locked door. Dirk only had to avoid the shadows which filled the dips and valleys of Todd’s face. The only _real_ difficulty came in avoiding Todd’s eyes, like two pinpricks of light through the darkness.

Eventually, Dirk felt his back begin to protest at the unnecessarily strained position. Slowly, he let himself relax a little, mouthing _sorry_ at Todd. Todd gave a smile which was more of a grimace, and Dirk felt a tiny piercing sensation just below his heart.

Without any warning, Todd leaned forward, putting his lips to Dirk’s ear. Dirk concentrated very hard on not squeaking. Outside, Tokyo Drift sang, something about _think about the place where you first met me_.

“Are you okay?” Todd’s voice was softer than a whisper, breathing against Dirk’s ear. It was a ticklish sensation. Dirk wrinkled his nose.

“To tell you the truth, Todd, I think my back’s about to give out if I don’t – erm, lean in a bit?”

“Oh.” Todd’s voice, quiet as it was, did something strange within the space of that single syllable. “That’s fine. Just, um –”

He shifted, rearranging their limbs carefully. Dirk braced his hands against the wall opposite him, bracketing Todd inside them, while Todd stepped around Dirk’s legs until, to Dirk’s great surprise and complete, frozen horror, one of his legs ended up between Todd’s thighs.

Okay. No need to panic just yet. They were just legs, wasn’t as if they were attached to anything important, and they would continue being unattached to anything important as long as Dirk continued to neatly sidestep the laws of anatomy in his brain for the next however-long-they’d-be-in-there. Dirk was very good at pretending that things which were _not_ happening _were,_ in fact, happening and things which _were_ happening, were in fact _not_ happening. He could shut down with the best of them when he needed to.

Only just as Dirk came around to accepting all of this in the approximately three point four seconds it took to process, Todd settled, their legs now thoroughly twisted together, and – oh, god – put his hands on Dirk’s hips.

Every single alarm Dirk had ever heard blaring when he made a mistake in Blackwing went off in his brain all at once.

It sounded like a lot of exclamation points, if exclamation points were made out of lightning. And then it sounded like, _oh shit_. That quickly turned into an _oh no_, as Todd leaned in again, their chests once more meeting. Todd’s mouth brushed Dirk’s ear. Dirk actually felt his heart stop. It felt exactly like a clock whose hands had fallen off.

“This okay?” Todd’s voice was a breath above a whisper, but it resonated crystal clear in Dirk’s ear.

And Dirk could have said a lot of things in response to that, involving such phrases as ‘I had a dream like this once’ and ‘don’t ever stop touching me’ and ‘I can’t tell if I’m in love or this is food poisoning from the salad bar we raided earlier.’

But in the end he settled for, “Fine.” It came out even more hushed than he intended, a pale ghost of his real voice.

For several long moments there was silence, the sound of the concert strangely muffled. A muscle jumped in Todd’s thigh, and Dirk squeezed his eyes shut.

The really terrible thing about the whole situation was that once upon a time, no matter how in love Dirk might have been, his body never would have betrayed him like this. But since _Todd_ – since loving him, at least – it was as if Dirk’s body had grown a mind of its own.

It had always been such a bother to him, his body. From the vague notion that he wished it wouldn’t gangle quite so much or in such a masculine fashion, to the fact that loud noises made his brain shut down, to the way his face did a lot of things he’d been told were very … much, well, it simply never suited him entirely.

But – before Todd, it had never been like _this_. It had never been that rushing, swooping sensation he’d experienced once or twice for someone special, now reaching lower than it ever did before, right down to the core of him. It had never been the warm glow of a heat which was familiar for its simplicity, a need of his body that was easily fulfilled, now so much more complicated as it breathed Todd’s name. It had never been these little flickering fires, racing along his limbs in a rush of popping, sizzling excitement he didn’t have a name for (at least, not before he’d done a fair bit of Googling).

Dirk’s body had discovered Todd Brotzman, and just like the rest of Dirk when it came to Todd, it _wanted_. And that was new – and terrifying, and mildly crisis-inducing – but thrilling, too.

Only – not just then, _please_ not just then. Dirk thought he might just beg the Universe to drop down the floor below them like a bad trapdoor and swallow them _both_ up if his body continued to take notice of the fact that Todd was plastered against him.

Todd shifted again, and his leg brushed against Dirk’s groin.

Far be it from Dirk to be a hypocrite, but good _grief_, could Todd not just _stand still_?

He opened his mouth to tell Todd as much, but a sound outside the door stopped him. He felt Todd tense up against him, and Dirk strained his ears to hear whether rescue might finally be in order.

“Hail to our gloried mother,” a deep voice intoned from outside.

“And to her children also,” came another, higher in pitch.

It was all Dirk could do not to groan in annoyance. Lackeys. Of course they were. He glanced back at Todd to see a defeated expression pass over his face. It looked like they would be stuck there a little longer – hopefully only a few minutes. If they were lucky. Maybe the lackeys would leave soon and a friendly passer-by would let them out, helpfully giving them the keys to a getaway car for good measure. It had happened before.

“Is the ritual in progress?”

“… Dude, like, you can hear her singing right now?”

There was an embarrassed silence, during which Todd mouthed the word _what?_ The way his eyebrows shot up suggested he was processing utter disbelief. Dirk shrugged at him.

“I – I know.” The first voice sounded sheepish. “It’s – we need to ensure that all is proceeding as planned.”

“Okay, whatever, Kyle.” An annoyed sigh. “It’s going fine. We just need to make sure no one tries to get in the portal before the concert ends.”

Huh. Dirk hadn’t heard anything about a portal. Where the hell could they be keeping a portal?

Todd made a sudden choked noise. Dirk shot him a questioning look, but Todd shook his head, though his eyes were wide with something that might have been shock.

“The door is locked, just as requested. No one could have made their way in. Our gloried mother will ascend within the hour to her rightful place.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just. Let’s just – be quiet for a bit, okay? You go down there and I’ll go over here. We can … await our gloried mother like that.”

“As you wish, superior.”

“My name is Kira.”

The voices faded as the lackeys stepped away from the door. Todd seemed to force himself to relax, before letting out a shaky breath. He caught Dirk’s gaze and mouthed some words, but Dirk couldn’t understand what he was saying, so he leaned in.

“_This_. _Is_. _The portal_.”

_Ohh_. That made sense. Dirk cringed, making a face which he could only hope expressed the depths of his general ‘_whoops, my bad_,’ feelings on the matter.

… _Although_. There wasn’t exactly much to be done about the situation. Either the Universe would trip a hidden panel in the next half hour or so, or it wouldn’t. At least when the being disguised as Tartare Sauce showed up, Dirk and Todd would safely be able to say they’d definitely disrupted the ritual. Somehow.

Dirk turned his head to whisper in Todd’s ear.

“_I think we should stay here_.”

Todd drew back with an annoyed expression, like Dirk had said something completely ludicrous. It was, unfortunately, one of Dirk’s favourite Todd looks, because it was one that only ever got directed at him. Dirk briefly indulged in the thought of just gazing at Todd and letting himself feel all warm and glowy, but – probably not the time.

He leaned back in. “_Universe thing_,” he murmured, which was a bit of a fib, but the brief twinge of guilt he felt was chased cheerfully away by the sensation of Todd’s cheek just barely brushing his own as he held himself close and still, his mouth next to Todd’s ear.

Todd had become very still himself. Dirk thought he could feel Todd’s hands tighten on his hips – but he quickly dismissed the notion as the scatter-brained imaginings of a really-quite-desperately-in-love mind.

… But it _would_ be lovely, if Todd had been. Dirk had on more than one occasion entertained highly dramatized imaginings of Todd throwing him down on a bed, or up against a wall, taking charge and just letting Dirk _feel_ all the sensations he usually had to ignore in order to focus on things which were supposedly more important. It would be nice, Dirk thought, if Todd were the kind of person who’d do that for him. Let him give way to feeling.

But then again.

He’d fantasized about things happening the other way round, too. Never let it be said that Dirk lacked for imagination. Or spine, for that matter. It wasn’t like he wanted to be cruel to Todd – the very thought hurt – well, his ears, for some reason – but he did like the thought of Todd being as helpless to want as Dirk was; _seeing_ Dirk, lost in _Dirk’s_ touches, unable to move away, unwilling to allow the rest of the world inside. It helped, also, that Todd was a fairly anxiety-ridden person, and Dirk’s _most_ indulgent daydreams tended towards the not-really-very-sexual-at-all kind. They were the kind of daydreams which involved magically taking away Todd’s pain. The kind where Dirk showed him how loved he was, gave him a space where he didn’t hesitate to laugh – and to smile at Dirk, especially. The kind where he loved Dirk back.

So yes, indulgent. But a little painful, too.

Dirk was glad Todd couldn’t see his face. He fought the urge to swallow loudly in the tiny space, knowing Todd would hear it – hear him pushing back the sudden eruption of emotion in his throat. He took a slow, deep breath, trying to control himself. Now was definitely not the time to get all mopey over things he couldn’t change and was frankly a little selfish for wanting anyway.

Only, then Todd’s hand definitely _did_ do something – it felt like he was stroking his thumb over Dirk’s hipbone, which was not helping the situation and possibly making Dirk even more hysterical, but –

It was, admittedly, absolutely heavenly.

It occurred to Dirk that he’d been holding his arms loosely at his sides for the past – however long they’d been in there. They suddenly felt increasingly heavy and unwieldy where they were, so he raised his arms to rest his hands against Todd’s shoulders. Todd must have misinterpreted the movement – or at least, Dirk assumed that was what happened – because Todd began to step back, as if Dirk was pushing him away.

Without even beginning to attempt to think things through (and when had he ever?) Dirk pulled Todd roughly back against him.

_You must like me for me_, sang the being disguised as May-lee Sift.

Which was ironic, Dirk thought, coming from her. Not that it was easy to think anything just then. The thumping bassline of the song thrummed up through the floor and walls, corresponding directly to the terror and secret delight which mixed together into something utterly overwhelming in Dirk’s chest.

The feeling burst into a cloud of butterflies when Todd turned his face into Dirk’s neck.

_Is he … ?_

He couldn’t be. He couldn’t want –

Todd ran his thumb along Dirk’s hip again, and Dirk’s hands tightened on Todd’s shoulders. He flexed his fingers, as if he’d meant to do that, but it probably wasn’t very convincing. All the while, Todd’s hands were steady against his hips, his legs still tangled up in Dirk’s, his cheek pressed against Dirk’s neck. Dirk could feel the faint prickling sensation of his beard.

Slowly, deliberately – hardly daring to believe it was actually happening – Dirk threaded his fingers through the hair at the back of Todd’s neck. He ran his nails gently down Todd’s scalp, and there was no plausible deniability left for that, was there? No way to back off and say _well, that was fun and dangerous, but we ought to get going now and never talk about the cuddling again, please_. They were _embracing_. There was no other word for it.

There was a wave rising up inside Dirk’s chest now, threatening to drown him, pull him down to the quiet darkness below the surface where faint light would refract forever. The warring impulses in Dirk told him to stop – stop before Todd found out how good it was making him feel, but also to keep going because it _did_. It felt _indescribably_ good to have Todd so close, for such an extended period of time. It was being _held_, the way he’d always fantasized about in Blackwing; someone pulling him in and in and touching him like he was loved.

Of course, this _particular_ scenario, it had become alarmingly clear, was also of great interest to Dirk’s … anatomy. He’d come to terms with his identity and his apparently strictly Todd-Brotzman-oriented attractions some time ago, obviously. But there was “coming to terms” with something in the privacy of one’s bedroom, and then there was having his body perform a truly stunning feat of betrayal by getting hard while Todd’s leg was still pressed against his groin. He didn’t have much time to feel embarrassed about that, though, because in the next moment, Dirk felt Todd’s mouth on his neck.

It was not a kiss. It was not a kiss because it _couldn’t_ be a kiss. The Universe had thrown a lot of non-sequiturs Dirk’s way over the years, but Todd Brotzman kissing his neck was absolutely too much, even for that bastard of a Universe Dirk called the stream of creation. Maybe Todd was trying to – bite him? Todd could have turned into a vampire, that was, _maybe_, plausible. It was definitely _possible_.

But then his lips moved against Dirk’s skin and it became clear that yes, yes, _this_ was a kiss – a kiss on purpose, a kiss for _Dirk_, a kiss that belonged to _him_ and him alone. It was warm breath and a careful mouth on his neck, and it made his whole body feel like it was made of electricity. Despite the fact that they were trapped, despite the terrifying vulnerability of having his best friend and the man he was in love with warm against his body, despite it all – Dirk found his eyes slipping shut as he smiled.

Todd pulled back suddenly, jerkily, as if he had suddenly remembered where they were and hadn’t meant to do that. Dirk barely had time to process the thoughts of ‘_what_,’ ‘_wait_,’ and ‘_come back?_’ before he saw the look on Todd’s face.

The dim light did nothing to hide the fear in Todd’s expression. It wasn’t _terror_ – nothing so stark and simple; the way he looked when they were running for their lives, or he was having an attack. It was a quieter kind of fear – the fear of getting it wrong. The fear that he had shown his hand, and that Dirk would hate him for it.

Dirk knew exactly how he felt.

And he wanted to just _tell_ Todd that none of that was true and that if in fact Todd _had_ been kissing Dirk’s neck, then perhaps a conversation or two and maybe even some mouth-kissing (and frankly quite a bit more than that too) might be on the table. Dirk really, _really_ wanted to tell Todd those things.

But then he heard a footstep outside the door of the closet.

They both froze.

… _Seriously_?

There was another shuffling noise. It didn’t sound like someone about to open the door – it sounded like someone standing outside it, like they were guarding it.

The lackeys. Of course, of _course_ they hadn’t gone far – the end of the hallway was apparently just too much to ask from the Universe! No, clearly the Universe had decided that Dirk deserved to remain trapped in purgatory forever, with the man he loved in his arms yet _completely unable to communicate with him_.

… With _words_, that was.

Dirk’s scattered thoughts snagged on the idea. All right, they were trapped in a closet, locked in an embrace that might scandalise the delicate sensibilities of a passing heterosexual, and all right, they couldn’t talk because the lackey outside might hear them and open the door and get quite the eyeful of an increasingly hot and bothered detective and his assis-friend, _but_. Dirk had always quite liked to think of himself as the sort of person who could communicate very well without needing to open his mouth.

So instead of talking, he took one of Todd’s hands, and then the other – and brought them up to his collar. Without breaking Todd’s gaze, he pressed Todd’s palms against his chest, before reaching up to undo his top button. He lowered his hands again, resting them against Todd’s waist, and waited, hoping that Todd had gotten the message. And that he hadn’t humiliated himself by assuming that Todd wanted this.

It took the space of several nerve-wracking seconds for Todd’s expression to suddenly change from one of quiet confusion and perhaps – if Dirk was being generous – longing, to one of sudden understanding and disbelief. Agonisingly slowly, Todd traced the line of Dirk’s tie upwards, until his fingers rested on the knot. And then he pulled, loosening it carefully with both hands, never breaking Dirk’s gaze. Dirk’s heart beat so hard he wondered whether for a moment if it was the bassline of the music outside, but no – it was just him, just the effect of Todd’s hands on his body.

Todd began undoing Dirk’s top buttons, now that the tie was loose – though not undone, they didn’t have time for that (but oh, what about when they _did_?) – and then he pulled the collar away from Dirk’s neck. He slipped his fingers inside, and Dirk waited, the hairs on the back of his neck rising in anticipation – but Todd didn’t kiss his neck.

No, Todd leaned in and kissed his mouth instead.

_Oh_, Dirk thought. _Oh_.

Somehow it meant quite a lot that Todd wanted to kiss him properly. That perhaps this wasn’t a one-time-only tryst backstage at a concert, or an adrenaline-fueled mistake born of momentary lust.

It was such a gentle kiss, too. It was a question of a kiss. Todd moved his lips against Dirk’s, but didn’t push it any further, as if to say, _is this all right? Do you like this? Do you want it?_ The answers to all of those questions were _yes, absolutely, _and_ keep going_, none of which Dirk could articulate just then, sadly.

He would have to show Todd.

Pulling Todd in by his waist, Dirk stopped trying to keep their hips apart – an effort which had largely been in vain anyway, he thought – until he felt Todd’s lips part beneath his in quiet surprise. Dirk took advantage of the opportunity to swipe his tongue along Todd’s upper lip, and felt a thrill down his spine as Todd dragged him in impossibly closer.

Perhaps Dirk had been a little unsubtle in introducing tongue into the proceedings, though, because Todd quickly cottoned on to the fact that Dirk was, to understate it, _very much_ into what was happening. Todd slipped his tongue into Dirk’s mouth, and to his complete bafflement, Dirk forgot how to stand – his knees _actually_ went weak, which was a little embarrassing. He made a small noise in his throat at the sensation, which probably should have worried him more since they were supposed to be staying quiet, but –

Oh, but then Todd was pushing his whole weight against Dirk’s body, practically holding him upright against the wall, and the outside world suddenly seemed extremely unimportant. Todd’s hands began to roam, his thumb under Dirk’s shirt running back and forth along his collar bone while Todd’s other hand explored his back. It felt, just as Dirk had suspected (hoped?) it would in all his daydreams – utterly divine. The hazy cloud of his own want made him pull the edges of Todd’s shirt up, seeking out the warmth of Todd’s skin on his fingertips.

Todd was quiet, nearly silent. He had been the whole time, yet as Dirk ran his hands over Todd’s sides, having no idea what to do with them but completely happy to follow his instincts, Todd made a quiet sound, like a shuddering breath against Dirk’s lips. In the next moment, Todd ducked his head, but before Dirk could pause to wonder where he was going, Todd’s mouth was on his throat.

And it wasn’t gentle this time. It wasn’t hesitant. Todd sucked at Dirk’s skin like he wanted to leave a mark, and Dirk couldn’t help but think he wouldn’t mind that, actually. Vague thoughts zipped around his head, helpfully whispering that said marks would be a sign that it _happened_, a sign that he was _wanted_, by Todd Brotzman specifically. That was to say, he thought as much when he was _capable_ of thinking. It was difficult to do anything but press one hand to his mouth to stop himself from making a noise while the other worked its way into Todd’s hair, pushing Todd harder into his neck.

He felt Todd’s teeth grazing his skin, and the burn of Todd’s stubble. The sensory input almost felt like an overload of information but somehow in the best way possible. Todd traced his tongue over the places he bit, and of all the things, it made Dirk want to smile again, to chant Todd’s name, to lose himself completely to the sensation of being touched by him.

The music outside had begun to ramp up – something with a fast, heavy beat was playing, but Dirk couldn’t identify it for the life of him. A half-heard lyric floated through his head as he struggled not to make any sound, something like _we were in screaming colour_, and then Todd was kissing his way up Dirk’s neck, his harsh breaths in the quiet space far too loud. He hovered before Dirk, like he was trying to make a decision. Dirk could feel Todd’s breath against his lips, their noses brushing together. He didn’t open his eyes just yet – if Todd had decided this was all a mistake, if he was about to back away, at least as much as possible in such a tiny space, Dirk didn’t want to watch it happen, wouldn’t be able to stand it –

And then Todd rolled his hips against Dirk’s, and Dirk bit down on his lip _hard_ to keep quiet. Oh, that was just _unfair_. He’d been holding off on grinding against Todd for twenty minutes at least, and Todd just went and did it without any warning. Dirk was pretty sure that could have killed him. In fact it _was_ killing him, the slow roll of Todd’s hips against his, the fact that his trousers had become unbearably tight, the way Todd’s forehead rested against his own. Dirk opened his eyes only to see that Todd’s were still closed, his mouth open, choking out quiet sighs.

It was the most beautiful thing Dirk had ever seen. Todd Brotzman, silent with ecstasy, the shadowy planes of his face moving through the darkness like sunlight through the leaves.

But –

For all that Dirk’s heart was suddenly very full, it had to be said: Todd was fighting dirty.

He _did_ nearly kill Dirk with his hips, was _still_ making a valiant attempt at it by Dirk’s judgement. Well, that was fine by Dirk. He’d just have to repay Todd in kind.

Which was why he made the ill-advised and extremely hasty decision to drop to his knees.

Oddly, the first thing he thought, when confronted with the sight of Todd’s zipper, was _Huh. It almost feels like it just got roomier in here_. He was pretty sure there shouldn’t be room for his ankles in the tiny closet, but there was, so really, things were looking up all around.

Speaking of.

He looked up to see a stunned expression on Todd’s face, and hesitated. Maybe Todd didn’t want this after all. Admittedly they had been grinding against each other for the past five minutes, but still, Dirk couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Todd didn’t want _him_. There was definitely a chance that they’d just been necking as – as friends?

Before Dirk could spend the next thirty seconds spiralling into self-doubt, however, Todd nodded – a single incline of his head, as if to say, _yes, please, please_. And that was all the go-ahead that Dirk needed.

Although, Dirk thought, as he took a moment to digest the fact that he was about to give his best friend a blowjob, he may have overestimated his ability to bullshit his way through his first time _just_ a tad.

No problem, he’d figure it out.

He hoped.

He made quick work of unzipping Todd’s trousers, and was absurdly pleased to discover the rather obvious evidence that his efforts had been having an effect on Todd. Not that he hadn’t been able to feel Todd’s erection grinding against his leg before, but still – the sight of it up close spoke to something very primal in the back of Dirk’s head, something which urged him to get his mouth on it as soon as possible.

The thought of being the one to take Todd apart sparked something in Dirk that, until that moment, he hadn’t known he was capable of. That was interesting.

He pulled the front of Todd’s underwear down and took a moment to look at the sight before him with a critical eye. He could _probably_ fit all of Todd’s cock in his mouth. Most, at least. He was certainly going to try.

He took Todd’s cock in his hands, running his fingers feather-light over the sensitive skin, and felt Todd shudder. Dirk bit his lip to keep from saying something stupid, like _you are so beautiful like this,_ or _I wish I got trapped in small spaces with you more often_.

Well, there was no use delaying further. He took a deep breath and leaned in, running his tongue along Todd’s cock from root to tip, before taking him inside. His first thought was that the weight of it was heavier than he expected – but that it was a wonderful feeling, the weight of Todd on his tongue. For all the research Dirk had haphazardly begun to do when he first realised he was feeling very new and incredibly overwhelming things for Todd – well, more specifically, Todd’s body, because oh dear, Dirk had never realised before just how nice Todd’s arms were before – none of it had prepared him for the simple sensation of something else, some_one_ else in his mouth. He knew in an instant that he would gladly take it again, if Todd let him.

A spike of arousal ran through him when he felt Todd’s hands land in his hair, tugging – but carefully, like Todd was trying to restrain himself.

Technically speaking, that was a good thing, because Dirk hadn’t done this before and he was having to concentrate very hard on keeping his teeth far away from the proceedings, and not becoming overambitious in his enthusiastic attempt to take as much of Todd into his mouth as he could. It was also surprisingly touching to have Todd being so _careful_ with him, keeping his touches gentle, his hips still.

All that said, though ... Dirk had very clearly articulated – if only to himself – that he intended to take Todd Brotzman apart. This careful consideration simply wouldn’t do.

Dirk took to sucking Todd’s cock with newfound determination. He ran his tongue over the head, repeating the motion, licking at him over and over again until he felt Todd’s hips stutter. _Much better_.

He could afford to push things a little further. Dirk was fairly confident that he could get Todd to come in his mouth sooner rather than later. Whether he could actually manage to swallow was – well, he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. The important thing was that Todd was right there before him, and _Dirk_ was the one who was going to make him come. Whatever he might be lacking in skill, he was just going to have to make up for in dedication.

And dedicate himself he did – he followed his best instincts, paying attention to the most minute reactions from Todd. He discovered Todd’s preference for Dirk running the flat of his tongue alone the underside of his cock when he tried just that and Todd’s hand clenched so suddenly in his hair that Dirk thought he might be about to come. Another wave of arousal rolled through Dirk at the feeling, and he replicated the movement that had caused Todd’s hand to spasm. Todd’s fingers grew painfully tight in Dirk’s hair, but it was a nice sort of pain – not really pain at all, in truth, more a tension which grew as Todd seemed to lose more and more of his self-control.

Todd made a sudden sound, a choked-off word which might have been Dirk’s name. In the next moment, Dirk found that, to his surprise, he _was_ in fact capable of swallowing, which he’d been given reason to understand was quite the feat for a first-timer. He pulled his mouth off Todd and took a sudden gulp of air – he’d been concentrating so hard he hadn’t realised he was starting to run out of air.

He took a few breaths, somewhat stunned at himself, but mostly still painfully aroused by the fact that he’d just made Todd come in his mouth. In the next moment found himself being dragged to his feet, Todd’s hands on his loose collar pulling him upwards at an alarmingly fast pace.

The look on Todd’s face, when Dirk finally focused in on it, was –

He didn’t know how to describe it. Todd looked like a man who’d just been given an unexpected gift, something he’d given up on having altogether, only to be granted it at the least likely moment.

Sound filtered back through Dirk’s ears – sound that didn’t relate solely to Todd, that was. The music outside had changed. Something nostalgic and vaguely sad was playing, something slower, which was just beginning to build – obviously working towards a crescendo.

Todd leaned in, and Dirk’s heart began to ache with something un-nameable, but Todd didn’t kiss him. He leaned his forehead against Dirk’s, and reached for Dirk’s belt. At that, Dirk felt a swooping sensation in his stomach – but it wasn’t fear; wasn’t the sickened feeling he when they were in danger. It felt like the moment before the drop on a rollercoaster, like the delight of popping candy on his tongue, like laughter that overtook every other feeling. It was the essence of anticipation. It was excitement, plain and simple.

And perhaps that shouldn’t have surprised Dirk, but he’d kissed other people before, and there had always come a moment when they reached for – reached _downstairs_, and he’d ... Previously, he’d always felt too uneasy to give anyone that. With Todd, here and now, it _was_ easy. Even with the danger outside. Even with the cramped conditions (and it did feel more cramped now that he was standing, which shouldn’t have been possible,) and even without the words he wanted so badly to say to Todd. Even then. Dirk felt certain.

Todd managed to unbuckle Dirk’s belt, and made quick work of his trousers. Dirk’s heart beat wildly, like it was trying to escape and tell the whole world what he was feeling. Todd paused, looking up into Dirk’s eyes, but Dirk nodded, silently begging him to continue.

Todd’s gaze dropped again, and Dirk had a moment to appreciate the sight of Todd’s eyelashes resting against his cheeks, a sight he was familiar with after all this time but which never failed to make him feel like he was in some impossible reverie. He didn’t have time to philosophise on it, though, because then – then, Todd’s hands were on him.

It felt –

He didn’t have the words for how it felt. It felt like everything he’d wanted for so long. It felt like the impossible reverie had come true. It felt like he was being touched by someone he loved, and the really incredible thing was that he _was_.

Todd was being careful again, but that was probably good thing at that particular moment. Dirk didn’t think he could take much more of Todd’s touch. He felt his mouth open, felt his body trying to make some kind of sound in a misguided attempt make everything make sense again, but Todd stopped him from moaning with a kiss.

Todd really did make for an incredible assistant, Dirk thought hazily.

It was almost too much to process; the sensation of Todd’s tongue against his, the way Todd was pressing him into the wall, the feeling of Todd’s hand on his cock, stroking lazily, like Todd wanted to take his time (time that they didn’t have, but oh, what did it matter as long as Todd keep touching him?)

Dirk had touched himself before, of course – being asexual hadn’t exactly rid him of desire altogether, it simply limited that desire to a frankly sort of useless libido. It had always been a fairly mechanical action, yet another pressing need from a body which never seemed to stop needing things. And as fantastic as orgasm could be – a sensory experience which was overwhelming in a _good_ way, for once – it was, once Dirk got over the initial surprise of it, inevitably a bit of a letdown.

Todd touching him, though. That was different.

It felt like there was a hearth somewhere deep inside Dirk, and with every clever movement of his hand, Todd was stoking it, building up a fire which threatened to burn Dirk out. He wouldn’t, Dirk knew. Todd would pull him apart, yes – but he’d put Dirk back together again with the patient hands of someone who loved him.

It was that thought which undid him. He’d been holding off for so long, for what felt like forever, and the thought that Todd loved him enough to take care of him like that was too much to bear. When Dirk came, it felt like a lightning storm taking place inside him – first the strike, then the rolling wave of thunder over his whole body.

He might have made a noise. He might have chanted Todd’s name. He wasn’t sure – there wasn’t room for thinking over his actions. What he did know was that Todd was whispering his name, and it almost made him want to cry.

When Dirk opened his eyes at last, it was to the sight someone in the middle of very thoroughly adoring him. For one heart-stopping moment, he knew – though Todd had never said the words – that Todd loved him.

And then he realised that there was no longer any music coming from outside.

“Is the portal prepared?”

The stomach-butterflies-inducing look on Todd’s face slipped off in an instant, replaced by horror.

“Of course, gloried mother. You need only enter, and the ritual will be completed.”

Oh, this was bad. This was very bad.

“I should certainly hope so. Nothing can fall to chance tonight, acolyte. The death of this world will bring the rebirth of our new universe.” The voice of the being who was not Tails Wilfred managed to sound a _lot_ like her, which was disconcerting, given all the talk of worlds ending and universes colliding.

“I can assure you, gloried mother,” said a third voice – Kira, perhaps, from before – “The portal was safeguarded all night. No one could have entered.”

Well. No one except a holistic detective armed with a plucky assistant and a swiped keycard.

“I commend you, acolyte, though of course we need not worry. The portal takes the form most desired by its occupants, reshaping itself to their needs. And of course, the portal will only close permanently when the appropriate rituals are performed to join together two whose hearts are pure.”

Dirk didn’t try to see whether Todd had heard the bit about “the form most desired by its occupant,” though that certainly explained the unexpected leg room. He was too busy trying to avoid Todd’s gaze, flushing furiously.

And _what_ was all that about “two whose hearts are pure?”

“Of course, gloried mother.”

They were definitely out of time now. Dirk scrambled frantically to do up his trousers and tie, while Todd sorted out his own clothes, both of them still studiously avoiding each other’s eyes. At the precise moment that Dirk finally opened his mouth to ask what their plan should be for when the door opened, however, the floor dropped out from beneath them.

There was quite a bit of screaming after that. There was also a lot of running, and a well-placed hand-towel to deal with the aftermath of the – the activities which had taken place in the portal-slash-closet – and at one point, a getaway boat, which Dirk did _not_ know how to drive but which he made a valiant attempt at anyway.

And of course it turned out that the portal wasn’t working anymore. Dirk discovered that fact when the being disguised as – Becky? – descended from the sky towards their getaway boat, intonating and chanting in an ancient and forbidden language.

She wasn’t happy with them.

And there was a bit about a dangerously charming wizard from Cardiff, and some sort of final battle which left surprisingly little damage for all the boasting the two magical beings had done. _None_ of which actually mattered, because the evil being was defeated, the portal was closed, and _Dirk had just had sex with his best friend in a closet_.

All in all, it took about twelve hours for them to find the time to have a proper conversation.

It took place, eventually, in a police cell, while they were waiting for Farah to cross the border and bail them out. The police in Toronto weren’t as friendly as the police in Bergsberg, unfortunately.

“So,” Dirk said, in a pitch far higher than he’d intended. He pulled his knees up to his chest self-consciously. “It. Things. The portal-closet?”

Todd, who was sitting beside him, with his back to the concrete wall of their cell and his legs stretched out before him, tensed up immediately.

Oh. Oh, dear. Maybe Dirk had misinterpreted things after all.

Todd swallowed, and made a very good show of avoiding Dirk’s gaze. “Yeah, um. That was …”

_Wonderful? Life-changing? An experience worth repeating?_

“… Weird.”

A ringing sound suddenly made itself known to Dirk’s ears. It might have been the sound of his heart shattering. He couldn’t be sure.

“Oh,” he said faintly. He didn’t trust himself to say anything else.

_Stupid. Stupid Dirk_.

“But. I think – um, if you – for me, it was …” Todd cleared his throat again, like he was trying to unstick something that wouldn’t come out.

Dirk’s heart did something strange again. If this kept up, he’d need to get it checked out and make sure it wasn’t malfunctioning.

Todd looked up. Dirk could see Todd looking at him out of the corner of his eye, but it was too much to keep hoping, so he didn’t look back.

Todd waited for a long moment, before shifting his body around to face Dirk. “Dirk? Can you – would you look at me?”

Dirk wanted to. He really did, but unfortunately he was quite sure that _if_ he did he’d be unable to look away. That, or he’d start blubbering everywhere, and he’d been told that wasn’t a good look on him.

But the choice was taken away from him, because Todd reached over and carefully turned Dirk’s face towards him. Dirk looked up, determined not to make a fool of himself. That was going to prove to be difficult, though, because the look on Todd’s face only made Dirk hope even more.

“I – liked it,” Todd admitted slowly. “I’d been thinking about – I mean, I’ve been … feeling that way about you for a while.”

Dirk glanced away.

“‘Feeling about me’ as in, you’d been entertaining vague notions of a quickie in a closet just the once, or …”

Todd shook his head. “No, as in – as in, I’m … I’ve been – falling for you for a really long time now, Dirk.” His voice was soft, and the words came slowly, like he was forcing himself to be honest.

None of that mattered to Dirk, though. All he could hear were the words _I’ve been falling for you for a really long time now_. A slow smile crept across his face, and the heavy dread in his chest dissipated in an instant, like mist into the morning light.

“Dirk? Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m kinda putting my heart on the line here, so …?” Todd’s voice was rapidly deteriorating into an anxiety-ridden squeak.

Dirk grabbed the hand still at his chin and put it against his neck, where he imagined there were probably several hickies still visible.

“I’m in love with you,” he said simply. “Also, for quite a while, if that wasn’t obvious. And I’d really like to kiss you again, some time soon, but if you’d rather not, or if you’d like to do the whole dating thing first then I complete respect that, but given that we did have sex in a closet I won’t pretend that’s not at least a little surprising –”

Dirk was cut off by Todd’s mouth on his.

He had to admit, that did make for a compelling point.

When Todd finally broke away, Dirk sighed. “Oh, I’m _so_ glad my first time was with you.”

Todd pulled back abruptly, a horrified expression on his face. “That was your first time?”

… Ah. Perhaps Dirk should have mentioned that earlier.

He winced. “Erm … well, technically speaking, yes, but – please don’t panic, I wouldn’t … I wouldn’t have wanted it _any_ other way.”

Todd snorted incredulously. “Seriously? In a closet? While we were on a case?”

Dirk shrugged. “Well, I mean. When you put it that way, sure, it sounds – unromantic, but … It didn’t feel that way to me. Did it – did you enjoy it?”

Todd’s expression softened. He reached for Dirk again, taking Dirk’s hand and pulling it into his lap. Dirk fought the urge to sigh dreamily. That was probably over the top.

(But he did it anyway in the next moment, when Todd leaned forward to drop his head against Dirk’s shoulder.)

“Yeah,” Todd said softly. “I really did.”

“Then,” Dirk continued carefully, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t do it again some time.”

He felt Todd smile against his shoulder. “I dunno. A bed wouldn’t be out of the question next time.”

“Maybe,” Dirk said, allowing a little mischief to creep into his voice. “Todd?”

“Hmm?”

“Look up?”

Todd raised his head. And this time, Dirk was the brave one.

He kissed his best friend, and felt the last shadow of doubt leave his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> The songs quoted in this fic were:
> 
> Getaway Car  
Delicate  
Out of the Woods
> 
> The songs which played in the background of this fic but which I couldn't find a non-weird way to include were:
> 
> You Are in Love  
The Archer  
Wildest Dreams  
This Love
> 
> Also, the two OCs in this fic are very obvious expys of one of my other ships, but you may be surprised who!
> 
> [My Tumblr.](https://gallantrejoinder.tumblr.com/)


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